Sibling Jealousy

As every emotion in human nature, it is a natural process to experience the feeling of jealousy. Just like happiness, sadness and anger, the feeling of jealousy is an emotion experienced in the first years of life, and it is an important issue for the mental health of the person to experience the feeling of jealousy at a normal, i.e. average level, like every other emotion. Because the emotions experienced at a level that can be said to be extremely or rarely ever reflected by behaviors can negatively affect the mental health of the individual.

Individual encounters the feeling of jealousy in childhood, generally when a new sibling come into their life. Even children who insist, “I want a sibling”, this process is experienced and an expected situation. Because, in addition to perceiving the new individual who enters his/her life as a competitor, the child has to share many things in his/her life, especially mother and father. Sharing and accepting this process is challenging for every child. The fact that the mother has to take care of the person who has just come to the house, the guests coming to the house are paid attention in him/her and become the focus are some of the factors that children have difficulty in this process.

The intense emotional process that is experienced in the child’s world and that child has difficulty in interpreting, may not become a problem with the healthy approaches of the parents. So, how should parents act in this process?

 

• First of all, the child should be informed that he/she will have a sibling during pregnancy and the child should be prepared for this process by the parent.
• Parents should try to be comfortable with spiritually and should not reflect feelings such as anxiety and stress to the child. Because parental anxiety can cause stress or anxiousness on the child.
• Such sentences as “We will love you as much as a baby” or “We will love you more than a baby” should not be used to the child. With such sentences, the child could be in a race for the love of his sibling and parents.
• Along with the pregnancy, someone except the mother (father or grandmother) should start to take care of the child’s care such as bathing, eating or dressing. And so, when the mother is in the hospital or when she needs to take care of the baby, the child will not think that he/she is leaved alone or neglected.
• It is an important issue for parents to divide the work for child care. While the mother is taking care of the baby, the father’s taking care of the elder child is one of the factors that will simplify the process.
• Quality time should be spent with the jealous child, and these time periods should not be neglected with the birth of the younger sibling. The child, who cannot spend time with the parent in this process, may feel anger or anxiousness because he/she thinks that has been neglected.
• Parents should not hesitate to exhibit love to the newborn baby, and after exhibiting love, they should not turn to the older child with panic. In such a case, the parent will reinforce the sibling jealousy in the child’s world negatively.
• Many of the guests who come to the house are interested in the baby. Therefore, the older child may feel in the background or neglected. In such situation, it will be useful for the parents to remind their relatives that the older child is also waiting for attention.
• The parent should not act with panic against the child who hurt his/her sibling. If the parents approach the child with anxiety, the child can make this behavior permanent. In the face of such behavior, the child should be complaisantly explained that he/she should not harm his/her sibling.
• Adults should not use sentences like “You are now a bigger brother or bigger sister”, instead they should emphasize fraternity.
• The mother often has to take care of the baby. Parent should explain this process to the child: “Your brother/sister needs us because he/she is not in a position to fulfill his/her own needs, just like you needed us when you were a baby, so we should help him/her and meet his/her needs.”
• In the world of the child experiencing sibling jealousy, for generalize and normalize this feeling, stories about this situation should be read and the child should be helped to express the what he/she feels.
• Parents should not assume the role of judge or referee in sibling arguments. Siblings should be encouraged to solve the problem among themselves first. If the parent turns to the younger child and protects him/her in such discussions, sibling jealousy may increase in the older child.
• If the child’s mental state is adversely affected in the process of sibling jealousy, and the parent has difficulty in recovering this situation, support from a specialist should be sought.

 

Elif DEMİRER

Specialist Psychologist/Child-Adolescent Psychotherapist